"Behold I will make all things new"

So, its 1.1.10 ... its a new year ... what does a new year mean to you?

New year often comes with lots of new hope, expectations ... new resolutions (like some people bersemangat want to spent more time studying, less on-lining .... pengsan ... wonder how long will that last) ... some will want to wear something new (like I know of someone who wants to wear the thing that i bought for her from my CMai trip) .... yes ... many of us want new things on a new year .... new hope, new dreams, new breakthroughs ... new path ..... new life ... new relationship (??) ..... and the new must come in the package of good if not better than what we had or experienced last year.

And some of us will find that God has been giving Isaiah 43 : 18-19 over and over again every other year .... ("Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.) And if God is giving you this verse again this year .... let me encourage you to really pause and be still ..... open your ears wide-wide and ask God what is the new thing that He really want to do in your life.

2 thoughts :

1. See I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up, do you not perceive it?
Many times when we get such a new .... we super happy ... cos in our mind, God is removing all the pain, the ugliness, the disappointments, the bad experiences .... all the negative things from our life and putting ALL good if not better things in our path. Now, I am not saying that God will not .... and God does not mean that. But I am sure that it does not mean that we receive this promise expecting God to remove all our pain, hurts, ugliness, disappointments,nightmares of life and replace it with all good and nice things right away or over night ....

God is a God of NOW! Emmanuel God with us .... and God is with us now .... He can and will do new things .... right now .... right this moment ..... God will work and do something new in our current situation,no matter what situation we are in ... working through our pain and sufferings, working through our tears, our broken hearts, our broken dreams .... our broken hopes ....

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,"
declares the LORD.

"As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts."Isaiah 55 :8-9

We cannot BOX God us and say ... do the NEW thing in my life this way .. that way .... God's ways are not our and His thoughts is sooooooo much higher than ours ... He is God, we are mere man from dust, created by Him. Where were we when He called the stars in place and formed the mountains? So, who are we to tell God what and how to do the NEW thing in our lives? If you felt that God has not done the thing in your life as He has promised, remember Romans 8:28 - "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Take heart, God is still working and know what He is doing in your life.. ask Him to show you from His perspectives ... reveal to you the new thing in the mist of your sufferings that He is doing ... He is doing my friends, He is still working ... remember Don Moen's song?

"God will make a way where there seems to be no way,
He works in ways that we cannot see, He will make a way for me"

2. Forget the former .....
Often we jump or move from verse 18 to claim and hang on to verse 19 .... do we realise that in the first place, God ask us to forget the former things, do not dwell in the past?Have we done that? Pause for a moment here and think ..... have you let go of the past, not dwell on them, have you forget the former things? The unpleasant things that was spoken to you (or not spoken to you .... cold silence ....), the wrong accusations, the miss understandings, the injustice, unfair treatment, advantage people taken, the emotional and verbal abuses, betrayal, lies spoken ..... the list goes on .....

Henry Nouwen says that the problem with majority of us is that we allow our past which becomes longer & longer each year say to us : You know it all, you have seen it all ... the future will just be another repeat of the past". Echoing his words, I believe that if we cannot forget the former and cannot stop ourselves from dwelling from the past, we will end up in circles -- where the future will be just another repeat of the past" We will end up going round and round .... and may miss the new thing that God is doing in our life because we are still too caught up with the past and the past has blinded our eyes to see the new thing that God is doing or putting in our path NOW .... or we cannot fully embrace the NEW that God is going .... and struggle in our journey ...

Every year, we store a lot of things in our mind, emotions, body and soul ... and with each pass year, the things stored gets bigger and bigger .... not dealt, unloaded bad experiences may slow us down, may even stop our journey ..... and may even explode and splatter all over... will blind our eyes from seeing the NEW that God is doing in the NOW of our lives .... we cannot perceive the NEW thing ....

At the dawn of a new year, pray that all of us will take time to sit at His feet, to take stock of our mind, emotions, soul .. and allow God to reveal, touch, heal, mend and do a new work in our current situation ... our current condition .... our current state ... let the rivers of living waters flow ... let God mend the holes in our jars and let God fill our empty or half full jars once again ...

As I am typing this, I am reminding of myself not to dwell in the past and forget the former .... 2009 has been a challenging year ... the word for me last year was GROWTH and growing up is indeed a painful process. It calls for stretching process .... it calls for testing and molding process .... emotionally, mentally and spiritually .... so that I can grow emotionally, mentally and spiritually. I have to say that it has not been easy but ... I want to let go to move on .... :0 because He is my Alpha and Omega .... my Beginning and my End. Like Paul, I am persuaded that He is able to keep what I have committed to Him until that Day (2 Tim 1:12b) I thank God for every encounter, every experience, every emotion, every situation, every breakthrough, every blessing that He has given me in 2009. I thank Him for everyone that He has given me in my life, especially in 2009, for my parents, my sisters, my brothers, nieces and nephews .... for inner circle of friends, for friends, and for acquaintances that come along the way...

"Behold, I will make all things new!.... It is done! I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. I will give of the fountain of the water of life freely to him who thirst" (Rev 21:5 -6)He is doing a new thing NOW. NOW it springs up. Do you not perceive it?

Maintenance .....

I spent my last week in Msia .... sending Mom see doctors .. cos she had diarrhea for four days in a row. We first send her to see the government clinic since she was due to pick her monthly med up ... the clinic doctor just gave her salt water. It was FOC.

Then send her go see Indian doctor the second day cos wanted to do colonscopy on her ..but told the doc that she was tummy upset ... go toilet many times ... the doctor pulak check2 her ... did ultrasound and all .... say she "bagus" .. semua bagus ... why put old ppl thru the torture of colonscopy. He straight away ask me ... what if I find out something from the colonscopy ... what I will do .. what is my objective? His point is .... leave the old people as they are ... unless there are clear sings that they are sick. For the first time, we actually sat in the doctor office for about 20min .... patut pun ... the bill came to RM205 - consultation, ultrasound and gastric pills! Mom say mahal!!

Anyway, his advise was to go Pathlab to do full blood test plus CA marker ... then bring back the result for him to read ... that will be another day, another visit ... another $$$$ ...

Then when we got back that night, mom was running to the toilet at the rate that frighten us. I almost send her into emergency that night to put her on drip. But we decided to wait till morning before we send her to see another doctor. That night she telan 6 pills to stop diarrhea!! The doctor think she overdose herself di .. if she does not ... she will need to camp in the toilet and loose lots of water -- dehydrated.

Anyway, we went to another doctor 1st thing in the morning. The doctor in Seremban Chinese Maternity was very good. He is very careful in his diagnose and checked Mom carefully. He also carefully prescribe medication for Mom. I find him very good .. and has good interaction with the patient as well as the patient's family. Helps us to understand what he is going to do, his diagnose and his prescription. Then he suggested that Mom also take the full blood test. So we did. The bill came to : RM220 (for blood test), RM30 for consultation (so cheap) and RM15 for medicine (cheap again). PTL! His diagnose was accurate.Mom stop going to toilet and in fact, she constipated for 2 days .. lol ... overdose of non berak ubat.

So, in 3 days Mom's medical bills came to RM500 minus the monthly medication for her nerves, bones etc free from Government clinic.

In order to maintain and sustain Mom's health, we need to spend quite a bit.Mom takes quite a bit of supplements as well .... you can see the amount of supplements she takes in the pix .... to maintain and sustain her physical health . The 2nd pix is actually "spare" supplements waiting to be consumed.

Friends, how do you maintain your physical health? I know I am guilty of not taking care ... I dont exercise regularly .... and the food I eat is not healthy. Hope to improve this area.

But .... how then do we maintain and sustain our emotional, mental and spiritual health? Do we even bother to take of it? I really appreciate time of reflection and time of connecting with my inner self to check and update what's going on in me emotionally. Friends who know me will say that I am one of those who have the least emotional baggage but I find this not true because human beings are very complex and our heart is very deceitful. [The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? (Jer 17:9)]. So, no matter how much of time we spend to understand it .... our hearts can be very misleading and many times we will end up finding out more things ..... Do we dare to take a look at the condition of our hearts and confront the things that surface from our hearts? Be intimate with yourself .... do not fear your own shadow ... do not run away from your own shadows..... do not isolate yourself from self ..... Keep your heart strong and healthy because your heart is the well-spring of your soul. This is why the sign of love is a heart .... heart is the heartbeat of our entire being ..... physical and emotionally. Guard it well ... do not simply give it away .... do not simply allow the enemy in the form of men or things to rob or attack your heart and give you heart sick ...... Do not allow your heart to be moldy from bitterness and unforgiveness .... For this reason, the author of proverbs ask us to "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." (Prob 4:23).

How do we take care of our mental health? Remember, we have the mind of Christ. (1 Cor 2:16). I can think of 2 ways suggested by Paul :

i) "Rather, clothe yourselves with the Lord Jesus Christ, and do not think about how to gratify the desires of the sinful nature." (Romans 13:14).

ii) "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things." (Phil 4:8)

Net-net ... the rule garbage in garbage out applies here... so, take care of our mental health for God have given us the mind of Christ.

Spiritual health --- no need to say much ... but the foundation of being Mary position is the fundamental key. If we can't sit at the feet of Jesus to receive our nourishment ... how to grow la .... if we dont do .. we may mati kebuluran spiritually like the starving Utopians. And the next key is just to trust and obey .... trust and obey ..... trust in Him ..... and obey Him immediately, not delayed or partial obedient ...

Lastly, I strongly believe that we need to go for a mental, emotional and spiritual "medical check up" regularly to connect with our own self, to connect with God and then we can connect with others, in a deeper and more meaningful level. :0 ..

Pastors Under Pressure - James Taylor

Adding to the collection of books that i recently bought was this book -I thought that I should read more these types of books in order to prepare myself to step into another new season in the coming months ....

This book -- nah ... its boring and not appealing ... yes, te author does seem to attempt addressing some common problems that pastors may face ... he may also have done some research and quote some famous people like Richard Baxter and Derek Tidball, but I find that he merely scratch the surface or allow the problems to surface without deeper or newer perspectives to the issues. Or perhaps the writing style of the author is just not my taste.

Having said this, i think that the author did raise an important question that all of us need to ask ourselves, no matter what circumstance we are in : Who are We? Who am I? I think that Casting Crowns answer this question very well by drawing the attention away from us to Him, our Creator .. our identity is in Him, who are we in Him .... likewise, our ministerial identity has to be founded in Him, the one who has called us and set us aside to do His work.

Off course, at the end of the book, the author tries to address or bring up the issue of retirement in ministry .... and this is something that is not often talked about .. and something that all of us must embrace when we come the sunset of our lives and ministry. But it requires much more development.

Net2 .... its OK not to read this book ... not that great ....

new year .... new hair do.....

Everyone one something new .... wants a change before the year ends .... new resolutions la ... new hair do, new clothes, new shoes .... new new new .....

My dear nephew also needs something new ... but its NOT by choice .... he has to cut his glorious long "bushy" hair ..the one that he can gel .. style .. do wet look .... the one that give him great "cool" looks ....

But ... too bad the school does not allow any of the students to have any other hairstyle except 1mm to a botak look .... so, boh pian .. the father and son both went for a hair cut 2 days ago ... the son has to say bye2 to his hair ... for awhile ... for another 2 years before he can explore different hairstyles and hair do on himself .... and then .. maybe can have new hairstyle or hair do every other week / month ... since according to his nguima his hair oledi grow long after 3 days cutting it!!!

I must say .... I also love his looks in his glorious hair ... especially when he gels it ... and have the just wake up look ... cool ....... I miss his hair ....

Now ... my dear nephew has this hairstyle and look like from some mass production factory ... when u go pick him up from the school .... u cannot see or recognize him cos every boy in school look and dress alike!!! .. hehehe ... but he sure still look cute ....

So, Ah Wen Chia .. no need action la ... not only you got new hairstyle tat makes u look 17 for the new year .... hehehhe ... budak ni pun ada ... murah pulak tu ....

Healing Your Internal Clock - Michael Koh

This author is new to me ... never heard of him before but once in a while I would like to read books of people I have not heard of especially local authors. The content of the book seem to attract me, so I decided to get the book. After all, Glad Sound was having their annual sales and most of their books are on 20%. This one is 10% and its only rm15 before discount.

The author made an interesting statement that make me reflect and ponder on myself too. He said that impatient people have great difficulty being present to others, unable to appreciate the other persons in their own right, they relate ti them only in terms of their own needs .....Lord, have mercy on me and I hope to improve ...

The whole content of this book is based on the theory that there are two types of time dynamics:

a) Chariot Time - it is the characteristics of modern society experience increasing drivenness.
Hence, being is lost and time is lost especially in relationships. Isn't it true of this -- in the mist of being driven, we loose ourselves, our identity, our passion, our love, our goals and purpose of living (our being) and sadly, we might loose our souls at the end. In the mist of chasing time, chasing what we think we should be doing, chasing what we think is our roles and responsibilties, chasing what we think will bring us and our love ones a better future, we lost our loved ones in the chase. How many children are crying our for love, the presence and time of the parents and parents trade that with gifts and material things.

The question that has been on my mind past one month is "what drives me?" Off course this seems to echo the tag line of the product that I was involved in the launching about 10years back. But, pause! What drives us in life? Though I know the answer in my heart, I am still in the mist of putting the answer at the core of my heart beat, thus, my internal clock does need healing.

b) Holy Spirit Time - is the dynamic of time that moves in pace and rhythm with the Holy Spirit. We are not bounded by the physical time -- the second, minute or hour, days, week,month, years, instead we experience the life of God in the moment as fullness and as a present reality and this can only be experienced only by keeping pace with Him.

I have to say that I have been challenged very much to live by the moment -- the present ... the NOW .... as if its new .... leaving the past behind, pressing on ... not worrying over the future but to embrace NOW as a gift from God and discover that He wants to do in my life NOW, what He has for me NOW, what is my NOW assignment in His Kingdom. Yup! If I am able to do this, then I have found living life abundantly --- in Michael's words -- in its fullness.

So, how then we can heal our internal clock? Michael claims that it is what drives the pace of our clock that needs to be healed and brought into synchronization with God's clock and not merely slowing down. I love the way Michael explain that procrastination, dullness to the Spirit's prompting,endless hand wringing and fearfulness sometimes signal weakness of spirit or even deadness of soul.

Interestingly, he further suggest that sometimes we are not "prayed up" or spiritually fit to move at God's pace when He is ready to move -- this is really a thought provoking statement .... eeeemmmm .. he listed spiritual depression (a new term to me), neglect of fellowship with God, divided hearts (how true), lack of discipleship, inattentiveness or a lack of practice of hearing and obeying the prompting of the Spirit.

The first step in the process of healing of our internal clock is STOPPING - stopping is a grace that God provides in the face of fast approaching chariots of time. Our healing and transformation begin only when God arrest our movement (pg 55)....

"stillness initiates the soul's purification" : St. Basil

Coming to an end of one season of my life and at the dawn of another new season, my soul cries out to be still and know that He is God, my soul cries out against the chariots of time .... and desperately longs for the next season to be flowing according to His timing .... yes ... no wonder the question still lingers .. "what drives me in life?" .....

Coffee & Love are Best When They are HoT

I was 1st introduced to Black Canyon Coffee when I hang out with Angie in Chiang Mai. Angie - she's my dear neighbor in TTC --- both of us love coffee ... :0 .. the aroma ..... eeeeemm super yummy ... yup ..... one can easily fall in love with the aroma alone!

Anyway .... we pop into Carrefour for Black Canyon Coffee. I was hot and thirsty - so ordered Ice Mocha with Rum!!! WOW! It's great! I keep say -- "wow, this coffee is very nice" like 10 times to Angie! lolz. It's really super nice ... who will ever think of it rum in coffee .... no wonder they claim a drink from paradise available on earth. It is indeed "heavenly" .. :0

Then, in Chiang Mai airport, I was super excited when I saw there were a few Black Canyon outlets ... and just before I left the Land of Smiles, I had another shot of it ... so I had hot mocha .... eeemmm ... to have tat early in the morning just before the flight ..... another heavenly experience ... the aroma .. wow ....

I cannot but must read my Bible while sipping my aromatic coffee to complete my heavenly experience .... :-)

After my awesome experience with the coffee .... I saw the German Proverb : Coffee and love are Best when they are HOT ..... lol .... interesting ...

I surely miss Black Canyon now ... have to look out for their outlets in Spore and KL.Its better than Star Bucks or Coffee Bean ...

Living Between The Seals - Susan Tang

Susan Tang --- she's one of my fav authors ... a local author ... her books are think ... easy to read .. but ... challenging and thought provoking ... "power-mawer" sometimes .... sharp in short ... why ... cos she writes on the Truth ... and things that people do not want to talk about now sometimes ...

I try to get most of her books .... and read them ... plus they are cheap.... between RM10-RM16 ..

So, her latest book is on end times ... she has already written a series of it and this is another book. I will not and do not want to go down the theological arguments pre-Trib, post-Trib or no tribulation... what I want to take from this is how then I should be living my days ... in anticipation of the coming of my King ....

Susan Tang propose 4 ways how to live radically in this final hours :

a) live within the confines of the Cross or be 'weaned' from unhealthy soul ties that will hinder my spiritual growth and destiny

b) live the antithetical to the worldly and the existing religious system of my days

c) cleave to the Lord to derive my joy from Him - no matter what happens

d) allow the preeminence of Jesus to rule in my life discern

The thing that hit me the most is the example of Hannah -- all of us know who Hannah is ... her famous weeping and groaning in the temple .. the jeering of the 2nd wife who has lots of children ... but here I am reminded of Hannah ... how much she trusted the Lord and how much she must have prayer for Samuel as she gave him up .. to let him live in the temple .. and allow Eli to take care of the boy. Come on .... m sure everyone knows that Eli is hitting grey areas of his life and ministry .... and people knows about his sons and their scandals .... so it must be HUGE step of faith for placing her son in the hands of Eli ...

And this, my dear friends, is what we are called to do.... to wean ourselves off everything, everything desire, dreams, hopes, plans .... and surrender to God unreservedly --- and this Susan Tang calls it the most powerful principle of true worship. " .... powerful and meaningful worship can only come from a heart that has been weaned from things, even ones precious son, for God will not share His place with another. He takes no delight in a heart that is divided or cluttered.No one can enter true worship unless they are willing to be 'weaned' from carnal and soulish things that compromise and pollute our worship to God - be in a relationship, time consuming habits, fleshly conditions, etc" (pg 57-58) ....

Wow .. this hit home! Challenged me .... to review my own life, the condition of my heart ... my love and passion towards God .... this is what I took with me ... 'weaned' ... and this is the word that was given to me to meditate on the 1st day of my silent retreat : Ps 131 ....

Yup .. "the cross of Jesus must be kept central in our daily lives if we want to stay in the state of abandonment and 'being weaned'... "

God help us ...may we all come to the foot of the Cross and lay down ourselves .. wean ourselves off our self .... return to our 1st love for Him and cling on to Him ...

Memory Lane : Varsity Life

When I walked the grounds of University of Chiang Mai (UniCM) ... especially the Humanities School and the Tourism & Hotel Faculty .... it really reminded me of my varsity days ....

I know I am still a student and still going to school, live in the hostel .... but a college and a varsity .... different feeling la ... perhaps UniCM has similarities with USM ... hilly .... lots of trees .... the leaves on the field ...

I remember how I use to drive from Minden gate up through the hilly slopes, pass the Chancellor's Residence ... thru Pusat Seni .... Social Science and Humanities School and right up to the School of Mass Comm .... going thru the hills and slope .... if the season is right ... I will drive thru flame of the forest or yellow or purple flowers (dono what's the name) ... syyoookkk ... but malam2 ... scare want pass thru Pusay Seni cos ppl say its haunted ..:0...

Off course one cannot forget the beauty of Penang Bridge that we can see from the top of the hill and just outside the Chancellor's Residence. This is THE spot for pat tor ... as well a good spot for Quiet Time --- u can catch the sunset from here .... the full moon ... wow ... cantik & menawan and the view of the sea ... USM has a very romantic setting and feel to it ... This scenic view is so clear in my mind now but m sure if I were to go back to USM now, it will somehow look different.

Yes, I had good sweet memories of USM and varsity days .... those were happy carefree days that is full of fun and crazy stuff .... I would ride my Yahama 80 all over the island -- to hunt for food .... to have a break .... or to look for inspiration for my assignment or shots for my Photo J paper ....

Those years seem to have influenced the way I think and see things now ... reading in between the lines and critical, analytical mind .... the impact of Zaharom Nain and Kamal Mustapha (or something like that his name ... I rber him as a gold fish eye man .... tall and lanky). They really helped me to see things beyond the surface .. oh yes ... how can I forget Pn Zaharah who taught me Critical Reading & Writing ... Shakila (Kamal Mustapa's wife)

Meanwhile, UniCM has a lake, it over looks the mountains and the School of Humanities has lots of man made water fountains. Lots of motorbikes around as well .... typical USM in the 90s.....

Guess all of us will be proud of our own schools and have found memories our times when we were in school .... :0 There is indeed a time and season for everything .... and I thank God for my time and season in USM!

Shadows

I love to play with shades, lights and contrast ...

Last Sun in church, Pastor preached on Jesus as the light of the world ... Jesus being the light for us ... and how many of us have shadows, dark or grey areas in our lives .... Jesus has come to shine His light in these areas and when the light of Christ comes, darkness has to go ....

Two thoughts ....

1) What are the shadow areas of our life that we need to exposure it to the light of Christ and allow His light to shine in the area? Guess many of us have many shadows cos we are in relationship and in journey with Jesus, the light but its just that there are some areas in our life that we are still living in the "hidden" - it can be memories of the past that has impacted us so bad that we choose to forget it but it still remains as a shadow that haunts us every now and then.

I discover recently how the expectation of my parents on me as a child and perhaps even now has tie, weigh and wear me down emotionally and mentally. Expectations of my Dad that I cannot remember it being there until God brought it to the light to me ... because it was effecting me emotionally and mentally -- and the way I look at things, do things, response to things and even my character. I had bring this area of my life out ... expose to the light of Christ and allow His light to shine in this area so that this semi darkness stop holding me back in bondage. I allow God, my Abba Father to fill my heart with His love till it overflows .... till my heart is at peace ... my soul is still in Him ....


2) Who's shadow do we hide behind ...

Sometimes the living gets tough and heavy, we just want to run away from living .... hide for a while ... or take a breather ...to regather our thoughts, the meaning of life, our direction once again ..... It is like we are in a desert or a very hot place and wish that there are some shades that we can rest for a while ... where do we go then .. where do we hide in these circumstance?

"He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High shall abide in the shadow of the Almighty" (Ps 91:1)

Yes, it is in these circumstances that I will hide under the shadow of my Almighty God, for it is there that I will find shade, I will find rest for awhile, new strength .... before I continue my journey again ...

"I will say of the Lord, "He is my refuge and my fortress, My God, in Him I will trust" (Ps 91:2)

In conclusion, I discover that I cannot hide in my own shadow .... my shadow ties and wears me down but when I hide under the shadow of my Almighty God, it is there I find rest for my soul ... where I hide ... n b refreshed .... then I continue on in my journey here on earth ... until I accomplish His task for me and He takes me Home to be with Him ...

Seven Fountains : Venue Review

This is the first time for many things in a silent retreat : - under a Catholic priest as my spiritual director, for soooooooo long (8d/7n) and in Chiang Mai.

Seven Fountain was introduced because of the spiritual director. The spiritual director, Father David Townsend is pretty good ... and sharp.

This venue is located 10 minutes from Chiang Mai University, and at the boarder to the mountains for adventure tours. There are many waterfalls and the nearest is about 30minutes walk. Seems its near a temple where a local Buddhist saint lives. I did not go cos I don't like the be too near these places ...

Seven Fountains used to be part of a faculty of the university 40 years ago before it was turned to a centre for the Catholics brothers ...

It is nestled between bamboo trees .... all sorts, all types ... never seen so many types ... so, its very shady and cooling .... old ppl say bamboo trees is where the hantu likes to "hide"@live but here bamboo trees all over. There are many chairs all over for you to sit .... little huts for u to sit, read, write .... you can see butterflies flying all over ... squirrels ... used to take evening walks when i frighten myself with the tots of frogs jumping put from the bushes ... i decided to stay in doors ..:0

The weather is good .... cooling .... like late spring ... and cold at nite ...

The cost : RM60 per day .... plus 3 meals ... Thai food ... not bad .... and laundry!!!

The only problem is this place is now undergoing massive development ... so, the silence have been invaded by the sound of construction on the day time and the night clubs in the nite .... the option then is to go to the university nearby .... its quieter ....

Another thing ... since this is a monastery, there is NO life after dinner .... and very surprising ... every night .... i will be sleepy by 9pm!!!! so, one will get pretty good physical rest as well ....

Pastors At Greater Risk - HB London, Neil B Wiseman

This book is written in an American context and I can imagine what Ajeng will say --- modern day of imperialism ....forcing their ideology thru books .... lolz ....

However we cannot deny that what happens in the west some how will reach us here .. so, I find that some sections may not be that real and intense picture of what is happening among the clergy here but let's just say that this book can a warning to us ... that the situation and condition of the clergy if we do not take care, will jolly well happen to us ... and i would say that to a certain extend it has reach our shores .... the picture painted is real and happening even in our society and circle ....

The only problem I have with this book is that it's not balanced .... whereby the author presents only the view and problems based on his assumption that pastors are male .... though he tries to balance his book on a discussion on pastor's wife ... the lady clergy issues and pastor's husband problems is silent ....

Having said this ... I would say this this book is an excellent book to read and reflect on before we write or final FE paper ... our ministry stand .. this book has post many challengers to me and at the same time place some things for me to wrestle with .... to prepare me before I step in ....

There are some practical and good suggestions on how to overcome problems .... basic problems of burn out ....

But net2 ... what I take out of this book is to pursue personal holiness which is the foundation of my walk, journey, my calling .... my ministry ....

"When a pastor gives first priority to personal holiness, he'll be astounded at what he's able to accomplished in his ministry".

Betul tak? So simple yet so hard ... this is the paradox of life ....

M still chewing .... the final thing will come out in my FE paper ... :0

Women & Stress (Jean Lush)

Hahahha ... y I picked this book up from the store .. I dono .... well perhaps I needed the book since the someone told me that I am stressed. But i would like to equip myself with a variety of readings to understand and have a bigger perspective of the things that I might need to deal and handle in the future vocation ....

Anyway, what I found helpful in this book was the list of things that make us tensed : 1. anger 2.painful emotions 3. low self esteem 4.grief 5.recapitulation 6.job stress 7.unmet needs 8.parenting pressures 9.hormonal pressures 10.menopause

I was reminded on hormonal changes that ladies go thru late 30s-early 40s ....and I could say .... aaahhhh ... no wonder I was feeling like this ..... :0 ...hehhehehe .... I remember going thru some changes late 20s and early 30s ... now its time for my body to go thru changes again .... so, another timely reminder .... changes are happening to me physically as well ...

The section on grief .... quite sad .... make me tear ... maybe cos the experience was still quite fresh on the author's memory ... so, can feel the raw emotions ... or maybe m at the hormonal transition stage ... lol ...

Was this book that helpful? In some ways ..... it created an interest for me to read up more on one or two sections further ...... God used certain part of this book to minister to me .... :0

Chasing God Serving Man : Tommy Tenney

When I was first introduced to Tommy Tenney's and his famous book - God Chasers ... the book came in a special manner ... a friend actually shipped it from USA for me .... with a few other books. He was so convicted that the book was so good that I just got to read it ...

So, when I saw Chasing God Serving Man in the store that day, I just knew I needed to pick the book up to read ....

Now, this book has answered my question and struggle with the Mary and Martha syndrome .. guess this book is a book bring along timely to minister to me ...

I love this profound truth : "Jesus went from a borrowed womb to a borrowed tomb in search of a place to rest His head. The outrageous paradox of this picture is the fact that this was the Incognito Owner, the Divine Creator who was begging for enough hospitality to be born in the lowly realm of the created".

This is what Christmas is about ... our Creator reaching out in the form of human to give us the GiFT of His everlasting love - eternal life .... He has come to live among us ... Emmanuel ... but sad to say, just as He cannot find a place to stay more than 2000 years ago, our Creator, Emmanuel is still finding it difficult to find a place to rest His head.

Our bodies are His Temple .. He comes and live with us .. question : can Jesus find a home in our "body/temple" Does He feel welcome or do we welcome Him in the first place? How is the condition of our "body"? Is He comfortable in our "body"?

Like wise, there are many churches around that may looks magnificent and majestic on the outside but in the inside .... sad to say .... He cannot find a place to rest - the hearts of the people has turned cold, they may have turned His house into a market-place .....

Tenney proposes that Jesus feels welcome in the home of Mary and Martha because in their home, Mary entertained His divinity and Martha hosted His humanity ..... Mary's vertical ministry goes straight to the heart of God and Martha's ministry goes straight from the heart of God to the heart of men. We need both ministry in the Body ....

How true that God leads us into different seasons .. and seasons on the other side of our comfortable zone ...

This reminds me of the seasons God brought me ..... first He asked me to resign from my work .... and step out by faith to serve Him .... He then brought me through a Mary season ... 5months I will with a few people (Ps Betty, Suzie, Sujatha, Bro Joseph ...), we will gather in church to pray ... every night 8-10pm .... and people think that we are crazy .... and this season was glorious ... exciting ....

Then God suddenly moved me into a season of Martha for the next 3 years of serving full time ... and to be pulled out from the Mary season just like that was a huge adjustment ... off course I complained, murmured and struggled because I could not understand what was going on ... it was a time of breaking and molding .... a time of spring cleaning the "house" ....

From Martha season, God moved me again .. and this time into TTC .... somewhere I did not want to go initially because it was on the other side .. that I was not comfortable and familiar ... I struggled because I wanted to be on familiar grounds ... a place like TCA ... which I was more comfortable ... off course .. in order to extend the cords of my tent, God needs to move me to new grounds and stretch me .... test my "ropes" to see if it can take the new tent He is giving me ... :0 .... TTC, a season of Mary and Martha ... mixed .... but more often its Martha than Mary ... what was God doing here? aaahhhh ... that's why He brought this book to enlighten me on my experience ... :0

So, dear friends, I echo Tenney's words that we should expect to experience transition and movement from one season to the next in your life. "Don't act so offended when God's purpose require you to go back and forth between Martha's kitchen and Mary's position" ... lol ... when that first happen to me ... I was so offended ... lolz...

Yes, I remember, He seem to always want to move and change my seasons so that I am "weak" .. I cant make it, I cant do it ... so, I become God dependent instead of self dependent ... God is going to change my season very soon ... I should not be afraid of change ... of the unknown ... cos it is then I am drawn closer to Him because I am God dependent and not Eng Ing dependent ... what an honor to be called to another season .... on the other side ....

What the conclusion to my Mary & Martha struggle -- Tenney's proposal : Keep chasing God while serving men ... Lord, may You help all of us to build a Bethany, a house of balanced passion and compassion ... have mercy on us and teach us Your ways .... may we never look our focus on Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith ...

Here & Now - Living In the Spirit (H.Nouwen)

There are nuggets that one can find in this little book .. but off course ... its Henri Nouwen .... nuggets to chew and challengers in the thin book ....

The thing that snack me right on my face was the 1st section titled Living In the Present. It starts by challenging me to learn to live each day, each hour, each minute as a new beginning ... eeerr .... bit like tak betul right every minute as if something new .... moving on --- the challenge Henri's idea that post the challenge to my core being is the fact that many of us has this problem - where we allow the past to wear us down with guilt and worry the future like crazy .... hence miss enjoying and appreciating our current -- NOW! I am the no 1 culprit dono how to live my NOW syndrome ..

Recalling the moment when I read this segment, I just wrote in my journal I do not know what's happening to me .. I am like so weight down by what's happening to me (dwelling in the past) and do not know where I am heading into the future ... and them wham!!! Doesn't this sound sooooooo familiar .... Yes, Henri just worded my feelings for me ... I was on my 2nd day of my retreat and this is how I felt ....

Our God is a God of the present ... isn't He ... He is Emmanuel .... God with us ... and He is with us NOW .. in whatever circumstances we are in and He will be with us, leading us through into the future ....

Rev 21 : 5-6 : " .... "I am making everything new!" .... "It is done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. To him who is thirsty I will give to drink without cost from the spring of the water of life."

God will make everything new .. He will make a new thing in our lives if we believe in His words ... He will make a new thing NOW ... a road in the wilderness, rivers in the dessert (Is 49:18-19) ... will you believe in what I believe in?

In this book .... I learn to appreciate and now I would like to celebrate my birthdays again ... I have for many many many years just allow my birthdays pass ... just like any other day ... cannot even remember the last time I had a cake ... perhaps it was the pleasant surprise cake that came all the way from China 5-6years ago .... perhaps ....

Why do I shun birthday celebrations? ... guess its one of the defense mechanism that I figured will help me live better as a single ... but no ... this is not what I should be doing ... yes .. I have learned ... that I must celebrate birthdays and allow myself to celebrate my birthdays ... to appreciate the life that God has given me and be glad in it .... :0 ... but I have to say that God has in the past surprise me on my birthdays thru various ppl ... guess He is appreciating me ... His beloved daughter ...

So, from next year onwards, I will celebrate my birthdays!!

I love the section on family as well ... ".... how much our emotional life is being influenced by our relationship with our parents, brothers and sisters. Quite often this influence is so strong that, even as adults who left our parents long ago, we remain emotionally bound to them." I for one .. is the type that place lots of importance to family --- sometimes .. where are my boundaries ...

The challenge : are we able and willing to unhook ourselves from the restraining emotional bonds that prevent is from following our deepest vocation? This is a personal challenge for me! This is definitely a broader call to leave "home". "Jesus wants to set us free ..... free to follow Him n be healthy emotionally and spiritually ....

There is so much more that I drew from the book .....

Go read it for yourself and be blessed!

silent is really "silent"

o yea ... one more thing ... silent is really silent .... not bring my notebook ... not going online (sure pengsan - no chatting, no FB ...no blogging ... no emails .... wow ... ) .... fon .... bring bt jus on once a day to check important sms ... just packed baju ... buku2 ... dairy ...n Bible .... but ...may drop some of the books ... perhaps I just need 3 books .... cos main focus is listening and waiting on Him

O Lord, have mercy on me ....

Eve of Seven Fountain ....

As I prepare to go for my silent retreat .... my thoughts are all over .... all i know ... m feeling tired ... guess I really need to get away to be Mary once again .... being Martha is so much easier than Mary cos we can just go on and on doing things, one after another ... pushing things out, going thru the motions and yet not really connect with ourselves and connect with God .... if we continue to be Martha, we will be lost in the sea of things and activities .... amounting to ashes at the end ... n THE main this is ... we will loose ourselves and ultimately even God .....

Being Martha is the best way of running away from dealing with issues ... or struggles that we may have .... being Martha is the weapon the Satan use to draw us away from ourselves and God ... being Martha is a form of escapism ... being Martha may be an outward facet of an inner or deeper issue ... for example, savior mentality that has roots in low self esteem or striving for acceptance which may be related to rejection ...

I have been a Martha long enough that many times I do not know how to be Mary once again ... there is a sense of restlessness within me .... because my vision and action has been diversified and expended .... I need to be a river instead of a flood .... and jump into the river ... and enjoy the cool water ....yup .... I love the sound of water and the sound of river ... the one in Camp5, Mulu .... sweet memories ...

Anyway, God knew that I needed this silent retreat .. He provided me this place (http://www.thesevenfountains.org/content/view/10/35/lang,en/) and the money!!!! 30mins after I said to myself that it is too much to ask God to give me money for a silent retreat cum hols .... an sms came to say that he wants to give me money .. this is a testimony of how God will go out to seek His sheep and draw them into His arms ....

This is not my 1st time doing silent retreat but it is my 1st time doing one -- 7 days!! and with a spiritual director ... and it is my 1st time going to a Catholic monastery ... when I told Dot, she seriously tot that after TTC, the next step is to be a nun! hahhaha ... LN worry I am alone and silent for 7 days .... she thinks I'll go mad ...lol .... concern friends ...

But ..... “Silence is a means of increasing awareness of God’s presence.”

So, pray that I will encounter God .... and know clearly the next season that I will enter into ...