Who Love Who More ......

This is a strange thought that I have ... and a strange feeling that I had ....

Last Nov when I was back home I had an experience (not a very pleasant one) with one of the 3 angels in my life. You see, these 3 angels came into my life when they were tiny cute babies and later I associated myself very close with them (too close sometimes perhaps) as almost a mother's role .... and many times, I forgot that these little angels are no longer little. They are adults with their own journey in life and walk with the Lord. I have done my part ... and perhaps tried my best ....

Because of this self elected position ... I guess I also become a little over protective and over powering sometimes .. asserting my thoughts and stand on certain things in their life ... and the overly concern may no longer be welcome any more .... cos times have change .... people change ..... things have change ....

Now .. the little encounter I had blow me out my mind ... and reminded me of a question a friend post to me "isn't it so that in a relationship, normally there is always one party who will love more" ...I did not have an answer for her that time.

But through this little encounter .... I sort of like formed the answer -- YES.... I feel I love my angels more than they love me and cos of that I sometimes feel victimized by my own love for them ..... if I dont love them ... I dont have to feel the hurt ... when I feel that I no longer play an important part of their life ... or my opinion matters anymore .... off course .... this is the sensitive human part of me at work ... pms maybe ... wat to do .... char boh ma ....

Human beings are complicated creatures... most of us always feel better and good when we feel needed, appreciated and important by others .... no matter how hard we can deny it sometimes... The need of feeling needed varies according to different stages of life, our age, our background ... our personalities ..... our entire being and life experiences .....

This brings to mind another saying. Mom always always say this in Kutien..... "mother love her children, don't know if her children love their mother or not ..."Come to think of it ... this sound sooooo familiar now ... hehehhe .... off course whenever she says that ... i always protest and say "your daughter love you, dono if you know out not" .... hehhehe

Guess I have to agree that Mom's saying has a bearing .... I have to say that sometimes I feel that Mom loves me more than I love her. Example, she will phone me all the way from Msia cos she misses me and wants to catch up what's happening in my life. She just called me and is counting the days to CNY and my days to graduation because she will get to see me during CNY and after grad, she will live with me.....but on the other hand, I feel the pressure from statement - because here I am trying very hard to settle down, stress is mounting up with tons of things to do etc .... and she is reminding me how little days I have left ..... aarrrhhh .... m dead meat if clock ticks too fast cos this final lap is a fast tough one ..... my list of things to do and deadlines is getting longer .... I need to settle down to kick my butt to out-put ... not being reminded how close is CNY .. and I get too hol mood ... dont 1 to settle down to study ... adui ...ai .....

My conclusion : different stages of life effect the need of feeling needed. Mom is into her sunset days .... she is struggling to adjust to her sunset years ... such a drastic adjustment ..she is a power lady in the prime of her life, she commands the attention of people that people will listen to her proposal of selling or buying properties, she is known as Broker Queen of Sitiawan ... her description of her suggestions now .... her words fall like a torn old hand held fan .... it no longer cools and gives wind as one fans it ...

Indeed people in their sunset years are not only slowing fading away but they also tremendously feel that they are no longer needed and important ... they are not valued ... I must remind myself to help Mom feel loved, needed and appreciated, valued ..... I do ... but sometimes ... I don't express them too well or too caught up with my own things to be sensitive to her needs.

This brings me to my final point ... reflect now our relationship with God, our Maker and Abba Father .... do you have to agree that He indeed love us much more than we love Him? We love Him because He loved us (1 John 4:19). He loved us so much that He had to send us His only Son who is sinless to be the sacrificial lamb, to suffer and die on the Cross for us so that our sins can be forgiven and washed clean, and be saved from eternal condemnation and death (John 3:16).He has given us the Life of His only Son so that we can have eternal Life too.

Yet, time and again we fall way, walk away from Him, disobey Him ... fail to love Him ..... push Him out of our lives, until our next problem arises ..... or love Him half heartedly ... we choose to compartmentalize our lives and place God in one compartment of our heart ... we still go round and round .... running and managing our lives ... enjoying what we see as harmless pleasures of life .... until our next problem or tragedy strikes .. then we turn to God and ask Him ... why God ... didn't I love you, didn't I do this ... do that for You .. and yet how can You allow this thing to happen to me ... we forget ... God do not owe us anything ..... He has given us His all ... it is us who owe Him lots .... and our lives .... our heart .... our worship..... our devotion .....

And when we have problem ... what do we do? We will try all our strength, our power ... and every channel and avenue to solve the by ourselves ... and only when we can't solve the problem ... we will turn to Him ... how sad .... now put ourselves in God's shoes and try to imagine how He feel?

Pray that God "will give us an undivided heart and put a new spirit in us; and that He "will remove from them our heart of stone and give us a heart of flesh". (Ezekiel 11:19).

Lord have mercy on us, heal us from our backsliding ......

So, to you now : Is it true, that one party will love the other party more in a relationship?"

Candle Lite & Chocolates .....

I went for walk with Jeng in the evening yesterday ... we went to the quarry lake ... fellowship all the way and then at the lake ... we spent sometime praying for one another ... so, that's our time every Tue.... we prayed with our eyes open since Jeng say that the nature is toooooooooo beautiful ...

We dropped by Cold Storage on the way back ... i bought myself 2 bars of chocolate and 1 bag of chocolate cookie .... told Jeng ... m into choc now .. dono y.

Actually do not know why ... but I was real tired yday , like not enough zzz .. dono y ... woke up ... tired ... go class blur2 .... came back to room zzz for 45min ... then only feel better ... but slept early last nite ....

Then .... Jeng msn me ... told me that warm water is good .... anti depressant .... as well as potpuri ... but I told her m not depressed ... she said ... candle light and chocolates are great anti-depressant ....... Waiting to go to Daiso to buy aromatherapy candles and oil .... want to light them in my room ...

Eeeemmmm .... now that get me wondering .... m back in school physically ... wonder if I am ready to study and piang my final lap .... Mom keep helping me to count my day which is of no help cos I know stress is building up ... when I look at my deadlines ....aaaarrrrhhh ... so much of things to do ... sian leh ...and not all subjects fun .... ai .....

Guess I need to gear myself up into the routine of papers, readings, projects .. reflection paper etc ..

Lord have mercy and help me complete my final lap well .... strengthen me ....

Thank God for These .....

Last Wed, I was the Liturgist for the 1st Wed chapel for this term ..... Li said that thank God Eng Ing lead Chapel only once ... if more ... pengsan ... cos just 1 service the "whole" TTC was involve ... :0 ....

I am humbled by this experience because I realize that in ministry, there is no such thing as one man show .... there is always different people with different talents but coming together to serve to glorify His name. I am humbled because I am very aware that I cannot do this alone by myself ....

I had Ajeng to design a Batak dance to the song of We Three Kings. Danny to rearrange the chords of the hymn. Pris and Shirley to dance together with Jeng .... then Lily handle the singing part .. she gathered the people and run through the song with them -- Danny (re-arrange the song) ... then I had a team to pray in different languages (Hakka, Javanese [wow ... Rudy really know a lot of language], Nepali, Vietnamese...)

So, after the Chapel ... what did I do .. hahhaha .. I can laugh .. and then I ask the key people, my beloved friends to go for tea in NYC in Holland V .. the expensive place ... hehehhe ... Jeng missed it cos she had class in the afternoon ..

1st Offcial Weekend Back in TTC : Saturday 9 Jan 10

Wah ... dono why super busy .. super pack last weekend ... I think I really aunty kay-poh pattern .... make me-self biz ... or I have an issue with saying "no" and building healthy boundaries? I dono ... you tell me ....

Sat pagi ... woke up to a beautiful sunny day ... the birds are chirping and worshiping their Maker and I make appt with this Minah Jeng to walk to the lake in the quarry at 6.45am so that we can do our Quiet Time in the background of nature .. but that Minah zzzz till 10am!! Anyway .. I suspected as much by 7am, I did my devotions in the room.

Then, made my way to take up my 1st official assignment for the day .. be a driver ... I drove CC and Walter to Shaw Centre to pick up school uniforms for him. Spore .... hahhaha .... siau place to live .. they do things funny funny way .... NOT all places sell school uniforms ... only certain outlet and shop. Guess what is the name of the shop? Bibi Baba ... lolz .. if in Msia .... it will be Ali Baba ..

The queue was already long when we reach there .... about 1130am! First you queue to get the attention of the people -- to be served -- you give your school name and your size ... then, you queue to try on your sizes .... and lastly ... you queue to make the payment!! So "efficient" hor .... You will need to go to another place to get shoes (either white, black or grey depending on your school). And the books from another place ..... Seems that you can also buy the uniform from the school but since it's Walter's new school and he has to wear uniform to school .... we had to buy it at Bibi Baba (farni name for the shop right?)

We in Malaysia ... we just go to the traditional "kedai kain" next to Dr Ting clinic and buy or just any supermarket or shopping centre.

Off course I did not stay behind 1.5hours just to queue to buy the uniform! I went shopping instead hahahha ... Isten was having their anniversary sales .. bought meself a pair of jeans .... there are so many brands on sale -- Kelvin Klein, Naf Naf ... they were going like 70% and Naf Naf pants was only $20 .... but .... semua cannot wear! Dono what brand I buy ... $49 after 50% discount. Boh pian la buy ... cos now very hard find my size ...

Then we had lunch at Shaw Centre .... Since the "driver" complain that she was made to spent $$$ cos of this trip (:O) ... CC decided to "treat" the driver to yummy dim-sum. Walter misses dim-sum because US does NOT have any nice dim-sum. According to LN the shop we went is popular for its dim-sum...

After lunch, we walked to Mt E to visit Aunty. She's doing better. Mei was there .. Aunty shared that she had a vision the night we visited her in Tan Tock Seng ... she saw a group of boys standing facing the wall ... like being punished ... she asked the Lord what nation and the Lord said "Nepal", pray for them. In her situation and physical condition, she shared that she prayed but she can feel that she was weak ... cos she was fasting before she was admitted into the hospital.

Moving on, I drove all to Holland V ... where CC takes over the wheel and am ready for my final assignment for the day ... to help Ong move house!!!

Jane picked me up from Cold Storage, Holland V ... Hea, Shanice and Wen is already in the car. When we reached the new house ... what a mess!!! The house was messy and dusty .. and the owner a-la contractor was famished di!!!! Super hungry!

As usual, the Ee Ee gave instructions and everyone had our roles to play in the cleaning .... except for the youngest in our group who is "nicely lacy" dressed ... we decided to send her to the shop to buy broom, mop etc with Janne ... hoping that the shop owner will be blur2 and give us discounts ... hehhehehe ...

And then .... the first drama unfolds .... the TV man came to mount the TVs on the wall ... hahhah ..... pengsan ... they need a cable to connect the TV to the antenna ... Ong say it was suppose to be in the TV package .. the guy say no .... never mind ... Ong fon Jane to buy it ... $5 .. then Wen cleared the middle room where they throw in everything that they moved in and discover that Ong did buy an antenna for his TV from Harvey Norman .... its was gold platted -- cost : $95!!! Pengsan ... my adik manyak duit la ...

The TV guy went off ... and Hea decided to help Ong fix the TV cable ... he "gently" turn the back of the TV a little and the ooopppssss ..... tat unfold the 2nd drama of the day!!! hahhahha .... the TV mounted on the wall is now 15-20% off the wall!!! So, drama la ... the WHOLE family came to help ... LOLZ .... Hea, Wen, Ong, Shanice .... LOLZ .. all soooooooooo scare the TV fall down .... they even manage to bring down the whole TV and re-fix it ..... then suddenly .. tiba2 ... it fall into place again .... LOLZ... pengsan!!

In the mist of all this drama .... the front door grill man came ... he fixed the grill and then he demanded he want the full payment -- $600++ ... Ong looked at the grill and was shocked ... cos u can out ur head through the grill!!!! The man say -- its the design ... Ong say ... design is one thing .... the function of the grill as security is key ... ahhhh .. gaduh la ... stress ... stress ... the man insisted full payment ... and say that he will amend and repair his work till Ong is satisfied but make full payment 1st ..... adui ... stress ... stress ... stress ....

Hahhahah .... then, the final drama unfolds -- the bed man came ..... LOL. Ong waited the whole day for them to deliver the bed ..janji afternoon ... come only petang ... imagine .... Ong half talking on fon, half talking with grill man .... Hea, Wen and Shanice trying to fix the TV prob ... the bed man came and say ... excuse me ... ini katil, I kasi pinjam .. the one u order is out of stock!!!! LOL!!!! Pengsan!!!! Double pengsan!!! They are smart, they scared customer make noice ... they deliver at 6pm ... hoping that customer will agree to their suggestion its already too late to make any changes .... anyway ... Ong send the bed man back .. he dont want the "borrowed" bed!!!!

"Where is the sofa? You are suppose to send the sofa I bought?" The bed man say "ooo ... itu orang lain hantar" ... hahhaha ... betul2 pening kepala 1 ....

So, after making few more calls .... we waited for another hour before another chap delivers the sofa ..... Told Ong, any barang2 he not happy or dont like... hehhehe ... can donate to me ... I will need to get a house and furnish it come June!!

We were all soooo hungry ...cos work so hard whole day ... laugh so much whole day ... off cos poor Ong paling stress cos he had to handle everything by himself ..... bini "cuti mengandung".

After cleaning up the house and clearing as much as we can, we closed the windows and when Ong lock up the house ... he soooooooooooo terkejut ... there is NO grill to the house!!!! He took the key out ... want to lock the grill and then only realize that he had send the grill back ... so, silently he must have prayed for God to protect his home and all the precious barang2 in the house ....

We then proceed to eat XO fish soup --- all sooo hungry and tired ... after whole day of "working"

Itu la the drama for my day .....

Fun!!! Great time of hangout and fellowship with cucu cucu ... hehehhe .. the next hu-ha move house will be mine!!! All must come help!!! But pray no drama like this ... See you guys there Jun!

Leadership

Road to spiritual authority and leadership by Samuel Brengle :

"it is not won by promotion, but my many prayers and tears. It is attained by confession of sin, and much heart-searching and humbling before God, by self-surrender, a courageous sacrifice of every idol, a bold uncomplaining embrace of the cross, and by eternally looking unto Jesus crucified. It is not gained by seeking great things for ourselves, but like Paul, by counting those things are gain to us as loss for Christ. This is a great price, but it must be paid by a leader whose power is recognizd abd felt in heaven, on earth and in hell"

(Spiritual Leadership - Oswald Sanders, pg19)

First Day, Final Semester in TTC

04 Jan 2010 -- First day of final semester in TTC ....

I was already going on panic mode last night cos just feel that Wed's Chapel service (where I am the liturgist) is not well prepared and things are half baked ..... things are just hanging ....

I was frustrated cos the term has not started officially .. it was only the night before the term but m oledi feeling the heat and feeling overwhelmed ..... Lord have mercy ....

Yes, He does have mercy on His precious daughter .... the manna that He gave to encourage me was the life of Abraham ... "and he went out, not knowing where he was going" (Heb 11:8b). How many of us can boldly step out in faith not knowing where will we go, where are we heading ... where we will end up .... like Abraham when God called him? Chambers says that it is our dependency in God that will make our lives an ineffable charm that is a satisfaction to Jesus ...

When I was reminded this .... I knew that there is no other way but to trust in Jesus ... it is not in skills and abilities of man but God's empowerment in our humbled lives that God is pleased to use as His vessel to touch the lives of others .... Yes, it is back to the foot of the Cross that I went .....

Today, I thank God for letting things fall in place .... giving me great friends and people who came in to just help to make His service work ... it was like God putting the jigsaw puzzle together in the service ... each has our own roles to play ... and at the end of the day ... we come together to glorify and magnify His name. When we lift the name of Jesus high, He will then draw all men to Him... :0 Praise the name of Jesus ...


To my dear friends : Li, Jeng, Pris, Ah Yi .... I really thank God for giving you to me ... for placing you in my life .. I appreciate and treasure how God draw us together and our precious times together .... in joy .. in laughter ... in tears ... in pain .... in prayer together ....

Echoing Li's words .... we may not be able to enjoy each other after May but .... I also believe that "this is not a full-stop, rather it is just a comma!!"

Let's in unity glorify His name on Wed!


p/s : that same friend also can make me cry TWICE in the same night!!

To Live Is Christ, To Die Is Gain ....

I started again using Oswald Chambers famous My Utmost for His Highest for my devotion after miss placing the book that last year. I was so proud of the book and enjoying the book that I carried it with me everywhere I go .... but one fine day .... it disappeared .... dono where I put.... LOL ... So, when I saw the book in the Glad Sound, I knew I had to buy it!

As I read the first reflection, Chambers was throwing the challenge giving our very best in obedience to His Highest --- God deserves our utmost devotion and worship.

How God draw us to Him is this : "God's order has to work up to a crisis in our lives because we have not heed the gentler way. He brings us to the place where He asks us to be our utmost for Him, and we begin to debate; then He produces a providential crisis where we have to decide -- for or against, and that point the "Great Divine" begins. If crisis has come to you on any line, surrender your will to Him absolutely and irrevocably."

Paul made his stand - to live is Christ, to die is gain (Phil 2:21).

When I read this reflection, it brings me to the my own reflection time during the silent retreat where I reflected on my life journey. 39.5 years have gone by and I have to say that my life journey on earth has been tough ... hard ... challenging ... it has not been easy 39.5 years ... Yes, God does place crisis in our path in order to get out attention ... cos we are just too deaf, drown in the sea of our own world, our own life that we cannot hear Him ......

I recall that morning in my favourite hut where I did my reflection - I wrote in my journey ---- "my body bears the mark of the Cross. I deny myself and carry my cross to follow Him --- sometimes carry my cross has not been easy, sometimes the cross is heavy ... but I have not regretted my decision that I have decided to follow Jesus, no turning back, no turning back! :O"

And now .... I echo the words of Paul -- for me to live is Christ, to die is gain. Indeed its no longer that I live but Christ that lives in me and the live which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved e and gave Himself for me (Gal 2:20) This is my theme for 2010 ... pray that I by faith let LIFE live and flow through me .....

And .... for Him who gave His LIFE for me .... yes .. He deserves my utmost ..... 2010 is going to be another challenging journey .... may my body continue to bear the marks of the Cross