... Departure .... Are You Ready to Go? ...

The final week in TTC was a bit of a crazy week .... in fact, the final month was a crazy month .. I tell people ... i am like a packet of M&Ms ..... my emo is like M&Ms .. a mixture of all sorts of colors ... red ... blue ... yellow ... back .... brown .... represents all sorts of emotions .... its is indeed very hard to say good bye and bid farewell to people, friends .... place that we know and have grown to love ...

Anyway .. coming back to the final week in TTC .... I was suppose to clean, clear my room and pack up to leave ..... but instead .... I was just hang around .... dont feel like packing up .... cleaning or clearing .... I was biz going for farewell meals ... on top of it .... emo-land with "can love cannot marry mode" (as escapism perhaps ... :0) .... and off course Mom was with me ... had to entertain her bit ....

I was not alone because ..... I see that Ajeng was max playing around ... happy .... going round Spore like a tourist ..... Susanto ..... also was just hanging around .... of course he needed to clear his passport first .... Tu ... hahahha .... terror .... clear ... clean and pack all within 1 day and 1 night!!!!! And the mountain of his things!!!! Can faint what he stores in his little room in 3 years!! Some of us needs to go various places in Spore to bid farewell, grieve and do closures .....

In a way .... all of us struggle to pack up and move on .... packing up just means that we really need to leave ... forever .... so, we rather not to touch our things ... for as long as we can ...

Friends ... this is just packing up .. to leave a place that have been my home past 3 years .... my thoughts goes to leaving the earth for eternity ..... how would our response be when God says that it is time for us to leave this earth and go home to Him for eternally?

Physically, Aunty is her final journey here ... its really sad and heartbreaking to see her suffer .... she said that her time is not up yet .. she still has a lot of plans and dreams to achieve here ... how could it be so? What can we do to support her? We can only standby her support her in prayer ... that God in His mercies will be gracious to her and minister to her .... reveal His great plans to her ... best plans for her .....

Michelle said that through her experience as a medical doctor, she sees a trend that Christians seems to be the ones that struggles the most when comes to saying goodbye to this world ... be it the patient or the family ... and surprisingly, the Malays seems to be the easiest group.

The golden question is : how come? We all know that this world is not our home, we are just passing through ... we accept Jesus Christ because He is able to give us life, and life eternally .... we all know that heaven is where Jesus has gone to prepare our rooms for us .... a place where we do not need sun or moon because the glory of God gives it light .. the Lord Almighty lives in it .... its a city of pure gold .... like a transparent glass .... its a place where only people who's name is in the Book of Life goes to ... (Rev 21 : 11 - 27)

Indeed this is very ironic .... how come Christians preach so much about this heaven that we will go to eternally yet when it comes to go .... we dont want to go ....

I decided to asked Mom ... what does she think of this .... why its so hard for us to bid farewell and leave this earth when it our time is up? Mom's reply .... she says .... all of us are like guests on earth ... we are here to play ... passing through various stages of it and various places we will go and play .... but when its time for us to leave, we like children playing in our friend's house or in a playground, we would like and hope to play a little longer .... leaving earth means that we will never ever get to come back and play in this playground anymore .... its eternal ... and eternally be in heaven ... we have forever .... but not here on earth .... therefore, most of us would like to "play" a little longer .... be the guest of this "home" a little longer ... cos all of us have sort of like gotten use to this playground .... and like the playground and the people and friends that we have made in this playground .....

Make sense? Yea .... I guess so .... human beings are creatures of habitats ....once we have made a place our "home"or"hiding place" ... we develop feelings and attachment to it that it is so hard for us to let go .. we are short sighted ... we can only see what is in front of us but not beyond ....

I pray that when the day comes for me to bid farewell eternally ... at any point of my journey here, I will always be ready and able to echo Paul's words and say with gladness and peace in my heart that " .. I am already being poured out like a drink offering, and the time has come for my departure. I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith." (2 Tim 4:6-7)

Guess this is tent living that God has been trying to ingrain in me ... teach me over and over again for the past 20 years .... like Abraham, we are pilgrims on this earth .... and God will tell us to take down our tents, pack up and leave our familiar grounds ... to places that He will show and bring us .... for a reason and purpose that He will reveal to us if we ask Him ....

So ... I need to tell myself .... no need so susah hati .... God will provide a new tent for me and furnish my tent with the things that I need..... within a month as I go down to JB next week .... look at the bigger picture .... God's overall picture for my life ....

... Here I Am Lord ....

Today is a special day. 40 years ago in a little town of Sitiawan, a place called Chinese Maternity Hospital ... a baby gal was born at 1053am ... sadly, at 130pm, her maternal grandmother died on the same day ..... it was told that her father actually pillion the 9mths pregnant mother on his special Benz across Padang Astaka to the hospital ..... today that little girl is 40 ...

Yes la .... m 40 this year ... last Dec in my silent retreat, I learn to appreciate my birthdays and said that I must allow myself to celebrate the birth of my existence .... :0 ....


I woke up on this special morning with this song in my heart and :


I, the Lord of sea and sky,
I have heard My people cry.
All who dwell in dark and sin,
My hand will save.

I who made the stars of night,
I will make their darkness bright.
Who will bear My light to them?
Whom shall I send?

Here I am Lord, Is it I Lord?
I have heard You calling in the night.
I will go Lord, if You lead me.
I will hold Your people in my heart.




I, the Lord of snow and rain,
I have born my peoples pain.
I have wept for love of them, They turn away.
I will break their hearts of stone,
Give them hearts for love alone.
I will speak My word to them,
Whom shall I send?

Here I am Lord, Is it I Lord?
I have heard You calling in the night.
I will go Lord, if You lead me.
I will hold Your people in my heart.







I, the Lord of wind and flame,
I will tend the poor and lame.
I will set a feast for them,
My hand will save
Finest bread I will provide,
Till their hearts be satisfied.
I will give My life to them,
Whom shall I send?

Here I am Lord, Is it I Lord?
I have heard You calling in the night.
I will go Lord, if You lead me.
I will hold Your people in my heart.




And I recall my calling .... He called me with this song in MYF camp when I was 18years old and I responded to the call ......

He reminded me of my calling in a silent retreat in PD 9 years ago through this song again .....

And in the Grad Retreat, He reminded me of my call through this song again .... just as I prepare myself to step out into His call for my life ....

During the Graduation Dinner .... our class stood up and sang this song with all our heart ... giving our pledge to the call that we have heard ..... yes .... we will go Lord, if You lead us ... we pledge to hold Your people in our hearts .....



Today, as I wake up ..... I hear my call ringing in my ear again ... yes .... it is time for me to go ... to step in ... to be used by Him .... as a tool .... vessel to reach and touch .... to carry the light ... bringing food to the hungry .... water to the thirsty .... to be the agent of change, life and hope to this broken world ....

With my call, the words that was shared by Bishop during our retreat in Ubin comes clearly to my mind ..... on 15 May 2010 .... when I step out to receive the scroll of my training in TTC, my identity changed when I receive the scroll .... I am no longer a daughter .... a sister .... an aunty ... but I am a servant of God first ..... that is my primary identity tagged with my call and scroll .... as I step in .... just like how King David was called to be the king of God's nation first and not the father to Absalom. When King David mourn 2 Samuel 18:33 but in 2 Samuel 19:5-7, Joab, his chief army ... rebuke and reminded him that his primary call and identity is the head of the nation ....


There is always a price tagged to our call .... much is given .... much will be demanded .... God cannot use a man that He has not break .....

We all have our cross to carry .... are you willing to carry it? All of us have a special call in our lives ... God has a plan and purpose for each of us .... that's our call ... do you know what is yours? Are you willing to say yes .... here I am Lord .... I will go (no matter where and no matter what) if You lead me .....

... Closures ....

Closures or saying farewell to relationships, friendships, our jobs or places that we used to live or just a phase in a life journey is not an easy thing to do. Some would completely ignore this phase and just move on .. some would grief over it and never get to move on emotionally and mentally through physically the person has moved on .... and there are some life me .. who is very particular about doing closures in life before moving on to the next phase and season.

I believe that everything has an beginning and an ending. It is my own principle that when we start well, we have to make sure that we end well. Hence, doing a closure is part of ending well. Usually, a physical farewell or closure is easier .... because we just physically move into another setting physically but if emotionally and mentally we are not connected with our emotions and do a proper closure to it .. sometimes that phase of life or relationship or place where we use to live becomes a baggage that we add into our soul that will remain with us even as we move on.

Doing a closure in a relationship sometimes does not mean saying goodbye forever or the relationship has ended but doing a closure to the relationship is bringing the current state of the relationship to an end ... evaluating it .... appreciating it ... and perhaps if there are things that needs to be talked out or cleared ... be open to discuss and talk about it and hence move on. Moving on simply means that the relationship may go back to how it was always or it moves on to another level or it sort of life falls back to a more basic friendship. No matter what, relationships and friendships are dynamic and it takes a of both parties at the same page to continually grow the relationship/friendship. If one party does not want to do so ... then the relationship goes back to its simplified status. Whatever it may be, closures are points where we can evaluation our friendships.

There were many things that I did to bring my journey in TTC to a close and among those were :

a) Photography and the magazine
Being part of the Grad mag helped tremendously in my closure because I spent a substantial amount of time just to go around TTC and the surroundings of TTC taking photos for the magazine. By taking photos of it .... m not only appreciating the blessings that God gave me in TTC but also capturing them into something that I can bring with me as I journey on.

The last week in TTC was a challenging one ... I recall that many of us do not want to pack up our room because we know that once we pack up - it means the end and a new begining. Some spent their time crying as a form of grieving and closure to this phase .. some went out to different parts of Spore to enjoy it for the last time -- my way of closure was taking pictures of different events and of friends ... spending hours editing each one of them ... and posting it ....

b) The Graduands Retreat
This retreat has been really really helpful to us to do closure to our class. It was the last time that our class could hang out and spent time together officially before we move on. In this retreat we really get to play like crazy .. and by God's grace spent some time to do closures to one another. I had the opportunity of doing closure to 2 particular person ... moving on, I know that my friendship with this two will never be the same again ... :0 .. and committed them to the Lord.

Like Sam said : we fought and disagreed the most as a class and when its time to part, we cried the most as a class. And I thank God for the frienships that came by and innner circle of friends and prayer partners that was added into my life through this journey in TTC ....

c) Graduation Dinner, Closing Service, Closing Lunch with Faculty & Graduation Service
These functions have helped in the process of saying goodbye to the student lifestyle in TTC. It has also given me opportunity to appreciate and thank all those who have supported me through their prayers, emotional and moral support ....

d) Individual Times
During this time, I had either breakfast, lunch or dinner with various people that I have met in TTC and this has helped me to apreciate our friendship and hope that by God's grace we will be able to continue to journey together in spirit and in prayer.

Off course, there was also the overnight cycling and BBQ lunch that I had with GMC friends .... which helped me to do a closure to the pasture that I was in past 1.5 years.

After going through a host of things to do my closure .... I guess a trip a way for awhile is good as I then reconciled the processes emotionally and within my heart as part of my preparation to start a another new season in my life.

So, now .... do you agree with me that closures are good process to have in our lives?

"It was through loving myself in
the wrong way that I lost myself; by seeking You alone and
loving You sincerely, I have found both myself and You"

~ Thomas A Kempis ~

Who Am I?

Who am I? This or the other?
Am I one person today, and tomorrow another?
Am I both at once? ...
Who am I? They mock me, these lonely questions of mine.
Whoever I am, thou knowest, O God, I am thine
(Dietrich Bonhoeffer : 1906-1945)

Today ...

Today, I went to visit Auntie in hospital again. It is really heart breaking to see her laying in the hospital bed, weak, in pain and suffering .... literally a sack of bones .... It is devastating to see body, the temple of the Holy Spirit ... this Temple whose best position is always in intercessory worship .. she would faithfully wakes up at 430-530 to worship her God and to seek His face for 2-3 hours a day ....


Today Auntie is weaker compared to Sunday when I saw her. On Sunday, she asked me : Ing, as representing my eldest daughter, what do I have to say to her situation .... what can I say ... in the face of the torment of sickness? What can I say...


Today, when I see Auntie, the affirmation and confirmation came again that our life here is but temporal .... all of us will need to face our Maker one day .. suffering and pain is real - no one is exempted from it .... all of us need to enter and pass through the final door -- the door of death .... the challenge is ... do you know who is waiting for you on the other side of the door and from the door, where is will you be going to?


Today, Auntie grab my hand, holding it tight .. I knew that she wanted me to pray for her .... more than pray for her .. if I could, help her express her desire to worship God and bring her petition to the Throne Room. I was certain that Auntie's heart was longing to be in the courts of God's house ...... "Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere; I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of the wicked (Ps 84:10)".


I held her hand .. and prayed in the Spirit with her for 30 minutes ..... from the grip of her hands ... she indeed longs to once again to life up her hands towards heaven to worship her Maker .... and to on her knees to pray.


I think that the challenge for many of us is the fact that when it is time for us to do the great cross over, we may not be willing to do so ... though in we know in our head and heart that Heaven-bound is definitely a better place ... why? Allow me to suggest some reasons ...


1) We take too much pleasure in our temporal life here that we have placed our roots too deep in this place. We have become too complacent that we do not want to move ..... we love our lifestyle here ... we love the people here ... we love the familiarity of the place ....We forget that this place is temporal and we are just strangers here ... our citizenship is in heaven and we need to go home some day.


2) We are afraid of the unknown .. the fear of not knowing what to expect on the other side of the door ... the fear of having to do this great cross over alone .. This is where if we have been walking closely to Jesus and holding His hands in our journey now ... then His hands will not be a stranger's hand as He journeys with us as we cross over to the other door.


3) The worry of leaving our love ones behind and our unwillingness to part with them. I am sure that we do have people that we love that we are not willing to part with -- our spouses, children, parents, friends .... vice versa ... they may not be willing to say farewell to us.


Today ... if death knocks at your door --- will you be ready to face your Maker? How ready are you to leave all you have behind -- your love ones, your friends, your lifestyle and all that you have pour your entire life to build .... your identity ....


Today ... are you living a life that will guarantee your entry to His Courts ... are you living truly as a citizen of Heaven?


We know that "those who practice magic arts, the sexually immoral, the murderers, the idolaters and everyone who loves and practices falsehood (Rev 22:15b) are the ones that stand outside of the door.


"Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God" (1 Cor 6:9-10)


I pray that we will live a life that anticipates our departure any moment ready to face our Maker and the Judgment throne .... life is indeed fragile and precious ....

Journeying on the Road .......

Do you see life as a long journey? We are only here on a trip ....after all, have you forgotten that this hymn that this world is not our home, we are just a passing thru ...

"This world is not my home I'm just passing through
my treasures are laid up somewhere beyond the blue
the angels beckon me from Heaven's open door
and I can't feel at home in this world anymore ..."

In our journey ... we will walk through many path of life .... different stages .... different scenery ..
sometimes cross roads where we need to decide which road to take or which turning to turn ..
we will pass thru many seasons of life ......spring, summer, autumn, winter ...
In our journey ... we will also come across many pit stop ... place to rest .... but its just for awhile..
Along the road ... we will meet many people, different types of people with many different types of agendas ... some are a gain .... some are a pain ... some are just gone .... just like that ...

In our trip, we will realize that our luggage seem to be getting heavier and heavier ... and we may even need more bags .... and our steps seem to have slowed down ... or even have hampered our journey .... or have wearied us down, drain our energy ... blur our vision .... have become mountains that we need to conquer ... rocks that we need to climb ...rivers that we need to cross ... when we are at this stage what do we do? Think we need to stop ..... unload all our stuff that we have been carrying and take a good look at them again and see what do we need to throw out ... we need to re-pack so that we can continue our journey ... to our final destination safely ...

The question is : do you know where are you heading at the end of your journey? Where is your ultimate destination? Which Promise-Land are you heading to? Only when you know where you are heading at the end you will know what you need to carry with you and what you need to throw away ....

"For the high road and the shortest road [to heaven] is measured by desire and not by yards"
(anonymous, fourteenth century)

If you know where you are heading at the end ... you will know how to live a life that is fulfilling and satisfying because Jesus has offered us Life and Life in Abundance .. He has offered to journey with you ....

Every journey has a beginning and an ending .... we are always on the move -- in the book Pilgrim's Progress, either you are moving and going somewhere or you are going nowhere ... stuck state .... which part of journey are you in now ... do you know where you are heading ... and what you need to carry and not carry with you?

The end of my journey is my eternal Home with pavement made from gold ... and the Bible is my blue print, the map to show me how to reach there and I have to beware of the distractions along the road ... least I stray away from the road that have already been paved for me to reach my Promise-Land ....

What about your? Do you know your where are you and where are you heading, where is your ending?